🔥 Draft Day

🏈 CeeDee Lamb got absolutely laid out by a ref… and he wasn’t even playing. The Cowboys star took a bone-crushing hit on the sidelines of their preseason game after he accidentally stepped on the field during a play. Without even strapping up the pads, Lamb cost Dallas a 10-yard penalty. 

🏊‍♂️ Michael Phelps teaches the Baltimore Ravens how to swim. The 23-time gold medalist and Baltimore native gave his favourite team a quick swimming lesson in the Ravens pool. This is like Tom Brady teaching you how to throw a spiral. Given that tight end Marlon Humphrey said a third of the team can’t swim, it might be a while before they graduate from the kick boards and water wings. 

🏟️ Blue Jays president took a trip to the nosebleeds to sign some Zyn cans. In a rare visit to the cheap seats, Mark Shapiro was given the rockstar treatment from Jays fans. Pretty sure he would’ve had beers thrown at him if he didn’t get that Vladdy extension done. 

📏 The NFL got its first-ever 70 yard field goal. Unfortunately, it was during pre-season so nobody really counted it. Still, it’s nice to know as a coach that your kicker can get you three points from your own side of the field (and the Jaguars will need all the help they can get). 

🏝️ Shohei Ohtani is in the hot seat (again). The Dodgers star and his agent are now being sued for allegedly sabotaging a $240 million real estate development in Hawaii. Between this and the gambling allegations, people are starting to wonder if he’s secretly the Japanese Michael Jordan. 

👴 Mariano Rivera tore his Achilles in the Yankees old timers’ game. Like that one guy in the co-ed softball league who’s trying to relive his glory days, the legendary closer paid a steep price for going a little too hard in the exhibition game. 

💵 Trailblazers get sold, the Twins get taken off the block. The owner of the NHL’s Carolina Hurricanes is buying the Portland Trailblazers for over $4 billion. Meanwhile, the owners of the Minnesota Twins — who are $425 million in debt — have taken the team off the market. We guess no one wanted to buy a franchise with a credit score that’s even worse than its record.

You won’t win your fantasy football league on draft night, but you can certainly lose it. 

There’s no sure-fire way to nail a draft — it’s live, guys will slip, and you have to react quickly. 

That’s what makes it fun. 

Still, there are some tips, sleepers and strategies to help you not look like an idiot on draft night.

Quarterback strategy: Top four or table it. 

Lamar Jackson (25.3), Josh Allen (22.3), Jalen Hurts (21.0), and Jayden Daniels (20.9) rounded out the fantasy QB Mount Rushmore last year. The big separator compared to guys like Joe Burrow is their ability to run. Any given week, they can grab you an extra 5-10 points with their legs. 

These guys can be worth grabbing in the 3rd or 4th round if they fall to you. If not, don’t panic-pick Sam Darnold in Round 5, there will be plenty of good value guys in the late rounds. 

Zero RB can be a winning play. 

If you’re feeling risky (or just want to try something new after missing the playoffs again) the Zero RB strategy could be worth a shot.

• Step 1: Ignore the premier running backs early in the draft
  

• Step 2: Load up on top wide receivers, grab a premier TE and QB.
  

• Step 3: Draft a solid roster of rookie and backup RBs late.

If all goes to plan, other teams top RBs inevitably limp onto the injured reserve and you watch your bench full of backups turn into Pro Bowlers by midseason.

Go get yourself a top two tight end. 

Brock Bowers and Trey McBride weren’t just top TEs last year, they were top point scorers, period. Bowers — who now has bald man strength — was 9th in total points among WRs/TEs while McBride was 12th. 

These guys will probably cost you a second or third round pick, but with that kind of production, it’s worth it. Beyond the Sam LePorta / George Kittle tier, the TE field gets real thin. 

Who are the sleepers?

WR Rome Odunze: Could very well be Caleb Williams’ favourite target in a revamped Ben Johnson-style offense.

WR Keon Coleman: He’s healthy, the Bills didn’t add much target competition and Josh Allen still needs someone to throw the ball to.

TE Jake Ferguson: With defenses focusing on CeeDee Lamb and George Pickens, Ferguson could be a prime target underneath and in the red zone.

RB Jaydon Blue: The Cowboys rookie looks great in camp and is only competing for snaps with underwhelming veterans Javonte Williams and Miles Sanders.

QB C.J. Stroud: With a new O-line, and a healthy Stefon Diggs and Tank Dell, a bounce-back season feels more likely than not.

Bottom line: Don’t get too caught up in filling positional needs that you pass on obvious value. Stick to your guys, take the best available talent, and the rest will sort itself out. And remember: the real fantasy football prize is the group chat shit talk along the way.

We’ve got an absolutely absurd one for you this week. @candicayne hit a 10-leg moneyline-only parlay, predicting pretty much a whole slate of MLB games. You know you’re hot when you bet on the Orioles and Marlins and don’t leave with a hole in your wallet.

Full Parlay here.

🎞️ On this day in 2012, Seattle Mariners' ace Felix Hernandez became the 23rd pitcher in MLB history to throw a perfect game. The crowd atmosphere, Felix’s swag, the domination. If you’ve never watched the highlights from this gem, do yourself a favour and clear your next five minutes.

Alright, that’s enough yelling for one Friday.

Got a hotter take? Think we missed something? Want to argue that the Leafs are actually cursed by a 1932 ghost?

Reply to this email, ideally with the subject line “listen here you clown.”

And if this newsletter hits harder than Aaron Donald after a fresh smelling salt, do us a favour:

Forward it to a friend who lives for the group chat debate.