Flagg Planted

Happy Friday. The Florida Panthers have been celebrating their Stanley Cup victory with the same balls-to-the-wall mentality that made them back-to-back champions. The Cup looks like it got into a car accident, the team racked up a $500,000 tab at a Miami nightclub (luckily the bar covered it), and Brad Marchand looks like a guy who’s been living off of Bud heavies and DQ blizzards for a week.

The hangovers will fade, but the memories of drinking your 20th beer of the day out of Lord Stanley are forever. 

In today’s letter:

  • A brutal end to the NBA season

  • Baseball’s found its next ace

  • HotTakes parlays’ of the week

☝️ Cooper Flagg had a 1.8% chance of being a Dallas Maverick. But, of course, that’s where he ended up on draft night. As expected, the 18-year-old Duke phenom was taken first overall by the Mavericks, giving the franchise a fresh face post-Luka Doncic trade. 

  • This feels like an unfair reward for a team that dealt a top-five player in the league because he wasn’t hitting the gym as much as they would’ve liked.

⚾️ Baseball’s got a new ace. You’ll be seeing the name Jacob Misiorowski a lot more. The 6'7 rookie has made big league hitters look silly in his first three starts, giving up just two runs and three hits in 16 innings of work. 

🤦‍♂️ Nikola Jokic trade gets floated out of left field. The Denver Nuggets owner randomly suggested at a press conference that the team could be open to trading the best player in the NBA. If he wants to go down the Nico Harrison path of becoming the most hated man in his city, this is a really good start. 

🎮 One of MLB’s best hitters credits Fortnite for his success. Parents everywhere are about to be livid. A’s rookie shortstop Jacob Wilson — who’s already a lock for the All Star game — says the trick to hitting .330 is actually a couple hours of Fortnite

  • He claims it helps him with quick decision making and that he doesn’t have a good day at the plate when he doesn’t get to play a couple of games.

  • Clearly all those little league dads yelling “turn off that damn game” were just sabotaging future All-Stars. 

🇨🇦 Canadians are built for the finals. Ontario native Shai Gilgeous-Alexander bagged the Finals MVP this week, joining fellow Canadians Freddie Freeman (World Series MVP last season) and Sam Bennett (Stanley Cup MVP this year). 

  • SGA also became the first player in 25 years to win regular season MVP, the scoring title, and Finals MVP in the same year. 

💵 Indiana Fever’s Sophie Cunningham got hit with a whopping $400 fine. Cunningham, who has been unofficially dubbed Caitlin Clark’s enforcer, was given the comically low fine for a foul she committed last week sticking up for Clark (who had been getting beat up all game). 

  • We don’t think she’ll mind paying for it. After going viral for the on-court fight that followed her foul, Cunningham has added $1 million worth of social media followers in a week. We guess it pays to protect the face of the league. 

🏈 Aaron Rodgers says 2025 will be his ‘Last Dance’. Which is great news for any Steelers fans who have to watch the 41-year-old hobble around Heinz Field all season. 

🎥 Shane Gillis 🤝 ESPYs. The comedian and former Division I offensive tackle will host the awards show next month. We’re putting our money on a couple of Travis Kelce -Taylor Swift digs, some ruthless Bill Belichick girlfriend jokes, and a couple others that will have ESPN’s lawyers sweating bullets.

Game 7 of the NBA finals was supposed to be a nail-biter, but unfortunately for the fans, it was more of a root canal.

First off, Tyrese Haliburton tearing his achilles was just a brutal thing to see in the biggest game of the year. You want Finals to be decided with the best players on the court and that injury robbed us of what could’ve been one for the books. 

  • If you need any convincing of how big a difference maker he was on the floor, he still finished the game with more three pointers than any player after logging just seven minutes. 

Aside from the injury, it was just sloppy basketball. The Thunder somehow won by 12 points after shooting just over 40%. Indiana went on an embarrassing 13-minute stretch in the second half where they went 0-9 from the field and turned the ball over eight times.

  • It didn’t feel like OKC outplayed Indiana, they were just slightly less atrocious. 

Most importantly, the celebration was absolutely brutal. The Thunder players honestly looked like they couldn’t care less — one reporter said it was the most tempered locker room he’d ever seen. 

  • There were no champagne showers, no music or yelling, and most of the players apparently just left the arena right after the ceremony. I’ve seen bigger cellies after a pickup game win at the YMCA.

We will admit, SGA looked like he enjoyed himself. He could barely open his eyes during his Good Morning America interview. 

All in all, we might not have gotten the ending that this series deserved, but these guys put on a show and proved that, with the help of a couple star players, small market teams can punch above their weight.

Turns out elite defense, timely shooting, and zero nightlife distractions is a pretty killer combo.

Take some inspiration and lock in your picks to be featured in next week's edition. 

@BigVelvet21 took two of the biggest bats in the league to homer on the same day and they’ve got the 50x payout to prove their gut call was the right one.

@NeilFoCash hit a nice baseball parlay of his own, landing an outrageous seven-legger. Taking Shohei for a home run and also taking his under on hits is crazy work, but we love it. 

Thoughts on @Neilfocash's Parlay

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On this day in 1988, Mike Tyson knocked out Michael Spinks in just 91 seconds to keep his heavyweight title belt. The national anthem before the fight actually took two seconds longer than it did for Tyson to knock his opponent out cold.

He might’ve got his bell rung, but Spinks took home $13.5 million for about a minute and a half of work. Not a bad day at the office.

Its immaculate grid o’clock: Choose your own adventure.

How to Play Immaculate Grid Football

Select a player for each cell that matches the criteria for that cell’s row and column.You have nine guesses to fill out the grid.

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Alright, that’s enough yelling for one Friday.

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