Fyre Fest: MLB Edition

The Rockies just took a record-breaking shit-kicking from the Blue Jays. Colorado gave up the most hits in a series in 125 years, with the Jays outscoring them 45-6 over the three game set — the first team to win by that wide a margin since the 1936 Yankees (Joe DiMaggio was a rookie). We hope to god the Rockies pitching staff has Coors Lite on tap in the clubhouse.

Jerry Jones continues to run the Cowboys into the ground. The NFL’s best pass rusher Micah Parsons officially requested a trade this week thanks to geriatric Jerry completely fumbling his contract talks. Based on the three page open letter Parsons posted about the process (and stories Dak Prescott has told about his contract fiasco) dealing with Jerry Jones is even worse than watching the Cowboys play football. 

George Kittle nearly retired over smelling salts. The 49ers tight end said he’d have to quit football when he heard the league was banning smelling salts. Luckily for him (and fellow smelling salt fiend Baker Mayfield), they’re only banning teams from supplying them. I guess it’s gonna be BYOS next season. 

Nothing psychs you up to pitch like a few punches to the face. Marlins reliever Tyler Phillips gave himself a couple mean right hooks to the jaw to get ready to pitch this week. Believe it or not, this isn’t that uncommon (relief pitchers are notoriously psychos). Former Astros closer Ken Giles used to punch himself in the face when he blew a lead. 

The Leafs signed a Mitch Marner doppelganger. With their former star lacing ‘em up for Vegas next season, Toronto decided to go out and sign a player that looks exactly like him. That’s certainly one way to cope. Hopefully Toronto fans don’t bully this guy as much.  

We’ve found the worst name in college football. This is not a drill. There is a linebacker at Duke with the legal name Memorable Factor. He’s from London, England, weighs in at a solid 215, and has never sniffed the field in a game. Would bet any money that his parents named him after a race horse. 

Travis Hunter will play on both sides of the ball tomorrow. The Jaguars are apparently going to let the rookie play wide receiver and cornerback in their preseason game against the Steelers tomorrow. Imagine running go routes on an 8-minute drive and then having to cover DK Metcalf 30 seconds later. Davante Adams apparently has his doubts.

Major League Baseball may have broken the attendance record this week, but naturally, the event turned into the baseball equivalent of Fyre Festival. 

Playback: The league decided to host a two-game series between the Cincinnati Reds and Atlanta Braves at the Bristol Motor Speedway NASCAR track in Tennessee with over 90,000 fans in attendance. What could possibly go wrong? 

A lot, actually.  

By the time the national anthem came on, the concession stands (a critical part of any ballpark experience) were only selling bunless hot dogs and cheeseless nachos. 

Rain delays derailed the first game, leaving a bunch of wet, hungry fans scrambling around the stadium not knowing if they were going to get a baseball game, a refund, or neither. 

For those that did stick around for game two, they didn’t see a whole lot. Unless you swung tickets behind home plate, you probably couldn’t tell which team was hitting. Who would’ve thought a NASCAR track might not give you a great view of a baseball diamond. 

There were a couple cool things about the event: Pitbull and Tim McGraw performed (weirdly awesome combo) and the Reds’ Tyler Stephenson wore  Talladega Nights-Ricky Bobby-themed catching gear. 

Big picture: This dumpster fire of an event is part of a larger trend of gimmicky games that leagues are shamelessly using as social media bait. Do baseball games need to be played on a racetrack or a cornfield in Iowa? Not really. Does the NFL need to go to a new country every year? The players certainly don't think so. 

If you are gonna throw these gimmicky games outside of real venues, at least have the decency to stock the concession stands properly. 

@bigballergivedoller chose the right game to bet on. Thanks to Toronto’s 20-1 slaughtering of the Rockies on Wednesday, all five of these Blue Jays overs hit very comfortably. Never a bad idea to take all overs in a game against Colorado.

Full Parlay here.

🎞️ On this day in 1992, the U.S.A Olympic Men’s Basketball Team, famously dubbed the “Dream Team,” defeated Croatia to win the gold medal at the Barcelona Olympics. It was the first time NBA players were allowed to compete internationally, kickstarting a tradition of U.S. hoops dominance at the Olympics.

Alright, that’s enough yelling for one Friday.

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