🔥 Rally Cigs

💍 For the first time ever, the Milwaukee Brewers are World Series champions. Milwaukee finally has its World Series ring after taking down the Tampa Bay Rays in a dominant five-game series. You had a feeling that this was the Brewers’ year when they casually put up 8 runs in game three, all with 2 outs. They just had the baseball gods on their side this year. And a Cy Young pitcher throwing 105mph. That helps too.

• Apparently, the other secret to their success was smoking “rally cigs” in the batting cage before games. The theory: smoke heaters in the cage, smoke heaters in the game. As captain Christian Yelich put it, “When you walk by the cage and see the cigs lit, [you know] the boys are ready to rock.” You can’t coach that.
  

• On a separate but equally hilarious note, Brewers manager and national hero Pat Murphy took the time out of his celebration to call the Yankees a horseshit baseball team. Never a bad time to take a shot at the Yankees.

🏈 The Chiefs signed another stand-up guy: Justin Tucker. The former Ravens kicker, who was suspended for 10 games by the NFL for sexual misconduct, is joining Kansas City. The Chiefs’ longtime kicker Harrison Butker — who has come under fire for his very public stance that women only belong in the kitchen — has now missed 15 kicks since the start of last season (the most in the NFL). Rumour has it that every time Butker misses a kick, 100 women get college degrees. 

• At this point, Kansas City seems like it goes out of its way to sign awful human beings. To name a few, Rashee Rice (high-speed hit-and-run, domestic violence), Kareem Hunt (domestic violence), Tyreek Hill (domestic violence). 

• I’m pretty sure the Chiefs would sign Jefferey Dahmer to their practice squad if he could run a 4.5 or kick a game-winner from 60 yards out. 

🧠 Cam Skattebo is back to trucking defenders like his life depends on it. A week after being benched, the Giants’ mildly psychotic running back was back to his old ways, pancaking defenders with zero regard for the future health of his brain. He actually got flagged on this play, but good news: He said after the game that he has no plans to change his running style. Thank God.

🎤 Jay Z has humbly selected himself to perform at the Super Bowl halftime show. After a long and gruelling process looking for the perfect artist, Jay Z’s NFL halftime show committee decided that Jay Z was the best option. Respect. 

🏀 NBA players can't stop getting hurt. Nearly 80 NBA players carried injury designations on Wednesday night (about 15% of the entire league), including Antony Edwards, Kawhi Leonard, Tyrese Haliburton, and OKC’s Jalen Williams (with a very gruesome one). Even though guys aren’t allowed to body check each other in the paint anymore, the injury bug has become an epidemic in the modern NBA. 

• The share of games that players have had to sit because of injury jumped from ~11% of games in the 2005–06 season to over 21% last year. It's pretty crazy that in the era of load management, players are getting injured at double the rate they did 20 years ago. 

👶 NFL lineman Mathew Judon has three of his baby mamas living in one house. I was hoping this was fake, but it’s unfortunately true. Two women who have already had children with Judon — and one who is currently pregnant — all live in a home together raising his kids. I can’t wait for this Netflix documentary when the whole situation inevitably goes south. 

🐻 The Chicago Bears are locking in a deal to stay in Illinois. We all knew that the Bears weren’t really going to move out of state, but this feels cruel to the good people of Hammond, Indiana. Imagine thinking that you're getting an NFL team, finding out that it was just leverage to get a new stadium deal in Chicago, and then still having to live in Indiana. Brutal. 

• The week got even better for Bears fans after they acquired All-Pro defensive tackle Jeffery Simmons from the Titans. They may have coughed up two first-round picks, but this guy eats offensive linemen for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

🏒 The Red Wings are suspending Dylan Larkin for being a baby. Detroit's former captain is being suspended indefinitely without pay after he told the team that he wouldn’t play until he gets traded. To recap, Larkin first requested a trade back in April (but only to three specific teams), then said he would play for Detroit, got stripped of his captaincy, and now opened up his trade requests to 10 teams. The Red Wings don’t seem to care where he wants to play hockey. 

• If the front office chooses to hold onto him, he would forfeit $41,000 a day for the rest of the season. 

👯‍♀️ Pablo Torre found Steve Kerr’s doppelganger and made a group chat with the three of them. In case you missed it, a man who looked identical to Golden State Warriors coach Steve Kerr went to a game and sat right behind the bench. Kerr seemed to catch a glimpse of his doppelganger and looked (rightfully) very confused. 

• Enter Pablo Torre, who took a break from haunting Steve Balmer’s dreams to track down Kerr’s evil twin and introduce him to Steve. The two seem to have a real bond. It’s so beautiful when middle-aged men make a new friend. 

Alright, that’s enough for one Friday.

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